SO, we have decided to have one child.
I am constantly getting harassed about having more. I love being a mama more than life but I am happy with my only. Technically he is my first born but not my first...I lost a baby at 22 weeks due to a chromosomal disorder. So, I have two. I only got to keep one!
It hurts when people tell me I JUST have one, or I ONLY have one. I don't. I consider my first son to be just that--my son. He is as much as my child as Cub is, I just didn't get to keep him. I am, after three years, starting to come to terms with it and have a bit of peace. I really try to think that all things happen for a reason. If my angelboy had survived, he would have been hooked up to machines and died within a month or so. I lost my angelboy in June. I was due in October. I got pregnant with Cub in November. How can I say that Cub wasn't meant to be?
I can't. If my angelboy hadn't left me in June, I would not have my Cub.
In reality, I have two sons. My first and my first born. Cub wasn't a bandaid, he was a very planned and very wanted child (ovulation kits, tons of doctor's visits because of my hypothyroidism, etc.) and I am perfectly pleased with being a mama to just him on earth. I am over thirty at this point (not too far over, but enough!) and given my history I am afraid of losing another. I can't take it physically or emotionally. Daddyguy and I both work very hard to provide for our family and we can't see adding another mouth.
So, I have two sons. One I got to keep and one I couldn't. I love them both. When Cub is old enough, I will tell him about his big brother, I will share our family's story and I hope he understands why we chose to not give him any little brothers and sisters.
<3 Jen
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