Friday, May 25, 2012

Interrupting Your Regularly Scheduled Program

Well maybe not program, but I am interrupting my baby wearing series to share with you all a more personal post.  :)  Keeping with this weeks theme on TMG! ;)

As I've shared before I have a son who is going to be 5 in July, and a daughter who will be 3 in July also.  What I didn't share with you is that I have two angel babies.  I lost a very early pregnancy a year ago in April.  I was to be due Christmas Eve.  I was so sad, but since it was so early I dealt with it fairly well.  We have a history of fertility issues, so I was amazed we started trying in Jan and were already pregnant in April.  It wasn't as easy to get pregnant again and we tried clomid again.  I had conceived my son with clomid, and my daughter was a miracle who happened after a terribly long cycle.  This time the clomid wasn't even regulating my periods at all.  I was disappointed that the clomid wasn't really helping me be able to TTC.

 Low and behold after another really long cycle I conceived and found out in mid November.  We were elated and felt like this was finally it.  Well at 6 weeks or so (it was never determined for certain how far along I was) I started to bleed.  I lost my sweet little baby again.  This baby was to be due in between my children's birthdays.  It had felt so perfect.  My kids birthdays are 3 days apart so it was no small feat to have a baby due in between them!  I was crushed, heartbroken, and it was just in time for the Christmas season.  How was I going to get through the holidays knowing I should be holding a newborn, but instead lost another baby.  I bought myself a sweet angel figurine holding a baby that I put up on my shelves that had my children's baby picture and baby shoe with their birth info.  I needed something I could look at and know that these babies would never be forgotten.  Since it was also Christmas season I bought an angel ornament.  It has so much meaning to me and I hung it up with my children's 1st Christmas ornaments.  It helped me to have something.

Time passed and I was doing well, I thought.   Then winter changed to spring and I hit a wall.  Here I was and time was just passing by so quickly, and I was still empty.  My arms and womb both longing for that third child we were to have.  I decided it was time to start working on a little memorial garden.  I went to the local greenhouse and picked out a red and white rosebush and planted them so when I look out my kitchen window I can see them. :)  I already had a boy and girl garden figurine that I placed in between the rose bushes.  It was amazing how much this healed my heart.

It's so hard when you have such early miscarriages.  We hadn't told many people we were pregnant, and so it was like it had never even happened.  It's not talked about.  You know I was lucky to have a wonderful best friend and mom who I could talk to about my feelings.  Just getting them out, validating them, made me heal so much.  I realize that I will always have these two babies in my heart.  The song I Will Carry You helped me too.  It's a beautiful song that really touched my heart. " I will carry you all my life, and I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you." I needed this song and there it found me one day.  I hope that if you have had a loss also, that something I have shared here will help you.  Know you are not alone.  Here is a wonderful support network also that helped me.  Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope on FB

Well my story does not end there.  We still wanted that third baby.  We were determined that no matter what is to happen the next time, we were going to trust in God and hopefully add to our family. We tried the clomid but yet I had a 70 day cycle. I was getting so frustrated taking test after test to see what was happening and all negatives.  I took a HPT the day after Easter and saw that precious word.... PREGNANT.  I started to cry and thank God for giving me another chance.  I will be 10 weeks on Saturday.  I had a ton of anxiety and worry about this pregnancy, and I'm not sure when I will be able to relax.  I don't think until I'm holding a healthy baby.  Pregnancy is so stressful and worrisome as it is, it's so much harder adding on top of that the fears I have from my last two pregnancies.  Our due date is December 22nd.  Looks like my angel babies wanted to give their mama a most amazing Christmas gift this year. :)  I am having terrible "morning" sickness.  What a joke that name is!  I had it with both children, so to me it's a wonderful sign that this pregnancy is going to be okay.  I was able to feel our little bean this past week!  Such a little jumping bean! Can't wait til he/she is bigger and I can feel those powerful kicks!

So that is my story.  My journey to where I am today.  Hopefully I'll be able to share with you and update you on our pregnancy in the weeks to come, amongst my baby wearing series.

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