Monday, May 21, 2012

One and Done

SO, we have decided to have  one child.

I am constantly getting harassed about having more.  I love being a mama more than life but I am happy with my only.  Technically he is my first born but not my first...I lost a baby at 22 weeks due to a chromosomal disorder.  So, I have two.  I only got to keep one!

It hurts when people tell me I JUST have one, or I ONLY have one.  I don't.  I consider my first son to be just that--my son.  He is as much as my child as Cub is, I just didn't get to keep him.  I am, after three years, starting to come to terms with it and have a bit of peace.  I really try to think that all things happen for a reason.  If my angelboy had survived, he would have been hooked up to machines and died within a month or so.  I lost my angelboy in June.  I was due in October.  I got pregnant with Cub in November.  How can I say that Cub wasn't meant to be? 

I can't.  If my angelboy hadn't left me in June, I would not have my Cub.

In reality, I have two sons.  My first and my first born.  Cub wasn't a bandaid, he was a very planned and very wanted child (ovulation kits, tons of doctor's visits because of my hypothyroidism, etc.) and I am perfectly pleased with being a mama to just him on earth.  I am over thirty at this point (not too far over, but enough!) and given my history I am afraid of losing another.  I can't take it physically or emotionally.  Daddyguy and I both work very hard to provide for our family and we can't see adding another mouth. 

So, I have two sons.  One I got to keep and one I couldn't.  I love them both.  When Cub is old enough, I will tell him about his big brother, I will share our family's story and I hope he understands why we chose to not give him any little brothers and sisters.

<3 Jen

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